Being this sick take its toll. Theres pain and uncertainty, as as an overall need to suppress. Otherwise, how can anyone take s dtep on any direction?
There’s fear of being lost. Like maybe one day I’ll wake up as another person. Or I won’t wake up at all. I’ll just be lost in a daze that doesnt let me express myself.
That I’ll look back on the time I wasted with regret or yearning. There are memories I suppress of me lying in a hospital bed, wondering what I’m doing there. Memories of learning how to walk, cook, think. Nobody warned me about this fear.
And then theres rhe fear of being afraid. To get riled up because that means hours of intense pain. Or moments of outburst when my frustration seeps out.
Fear of not moving. It’s a type of analysis paralysis. Being convinced that no step I take will be the right one, so I’m overwhelmed by this urge to hide or run.
Finally, there’s the fear that those I love will mistake me. They’ll see the hurt and believe that is me. They wont take the time or have the ability to see the real me beneath the slickness.
Even I wonder if its possible to have a “real me” when I’ve been sick for so long. Is pain and uncertainty ingrained in who I am? Doss the “lackadaisical”, chill, joyful me still lurking behind the suppressed emotions or have I been washed away?
I want to say the former but it’s hard to know when my last 7 years have been pain and hiding.
Biatha 
Wow, I know what you mean! It seems like you’re trapped whichever way you turn. I know it’s been a while since you wrote this, but I hope things are doing better and you’ve found a little light. ❤